Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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