so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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