One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
