My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
