Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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