I'm eating all of the evidence.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
