I puked a lego.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
