Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
