Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
