Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
