yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Congratulations! We have a period
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
