I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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