Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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