....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
