I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize
