biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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