Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The air taste purple.
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