Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
