Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
