Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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