I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
