That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
