Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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