69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
