so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We have so much sex to catch up on
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
