So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
