I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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