I puked a lego.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
