dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
