good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
