I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
