This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
