He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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