my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
