The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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