how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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