Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize