Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
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he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
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I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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