you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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