tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
