My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
