Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she smelled like a LAN party
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
