Dude my mom stole all your condoms
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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