He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
