I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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