dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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