things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
