So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.