i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
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I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
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I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice