You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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