the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
