i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
