i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
